Breathe. Breathe again. And again.

I'm gonna be raw and open for a bit. It will take a great deal of strength to write this because these words will be painful. But I'm well on my way as far as accepting myself and sashaying on with my life. I am up there as far as one of the strongest people I've known. No one will ever understand the absolute hell cage anxiety disorders pin you down in. Unless you've been surrendered. 

Anxiety takes your face between it's hands and stares you down, locking your head in place, keeping you from moving.  Keeping you from living. Really living. It's sudden and abrasive, loud, unforgiving, annoying and just awfully cruel. Every single emotion is replaced by dread, by tons of questions, and for me there was a time I couldn't even recognize what I felt because all it was all panic. Worry was home for me, and much as I wanted out, it had a goddamn welcome mat. 

These words are strange to me though. Back there, everything's foggy and out of place in an weird time/space continuum. Like a messed up frame in a negative sequence that you don't even remember taking, but it's there. And you're here. And you can't help but try and make sense of how you got here. It's terrifying to even look back at certain days because it's as though a giant chunk in the calendar of your life has been beaten and burned. Everything's suffocating and you're just scared someone is going to ask you what you're doing because your response will be like "Well I'm living, am I doing it right? What's wrong? Why did you ask me that? What the hell is wrong?" Nothing's wrong. It's the black and white thinking pattern many people with anxiety struggle with. So, everything is wrong if it isn't 100% right. 

And then you get to where you can't remember at all. I'm at that point right now and that's huge. The trick is to not let it become you no matter how much it tries because it's a shitty home, it's not safety, and it's not living. Anxiety is not me, but only a part of me I can manage now and I'm really proud of that. It will always be my absolute biggest accomplishment in my life. A lot of amazing things are going to happen soon and that's one of the reasons I created this blog. To be able to fully experience life over and over again. I deserve more than my mind only allows me to feel and the best time to feel better and to just be okay is always. Never forget that. 

I’m at a point where I’m trying not to say I’ve eradicated anxiety from my life forever because that’s not realistic. I’ve made the mistake in the past where I thought it was just gone and would never return. Guess what? It came back and punched me in the chest even harder. If anything, I have overcome my perception of anxiety. I can deal with it if it's here, when it comes because it always will, and if it’s not around, that’s great too.

My expensive addiction.

This place is heaven. It's my little secret spot I go on my lunch breaks called The Juicy Cafe. There's not much I love more than a place that serves whole, pure, nutritious eats. Like...I geek out. I could spend hours in Whole Foods and just going there makes me excited. Everything here is organic, whole, and so good for you. I usually choose one or two days out of the week to treat myself and my body to this place. And those oat/protein balls? Mouthgasm. Pop one in the fridge and it's the best pre-workout ever. One of my favorite boxes is simply quinoa, chicken, avocado, and loads of veggies topped with lemony dill magic. They also juice and have more remedies, shots, and boosts than you've ever heard of. This one's a cold and flu buster because my body has been trying to get sick for a whole week now and I'm at the point where I just want it to happen so I can move the F on. Anyway, it's lemon, ginger, pineapple, apple, and cayenne and this entire place just makes me feel good. And feeling good is important. They also play Missy Elliot and Lily Allen so of course I'd go there.

Love day.

We had quite the lovely Valentine’s Day last weekend, and I must include it was also Daniel’s birthday because it’ll always be his birthday more. It has gotten to a point where I almost need to count on my fingers how many Valentines we’ve spent together and even though we've reached lucky number 7, it was just as sweet. I remember how he hid a promise ring for me in a plant on our first Valentine’s Day together. Or how we shooed his parents upstairs so we could have some fettuccine with homemade alfredo sauce straight out of the tub from Costco. Or how we completed the night by watching Across the Universe and ate chocolate covered strawberries with "Strawberry Fields Forever" playing softly in the background as we laughed and acted like the freshly turned 18-year-olds we were.

This year, though we may have had to work, though we were greeted with the same struggle of trying to go out on his birthday while every other couple would be doing the same thing, and even though we decided on going to the gym and then having some teriyaki with my parents, I wouldn’t have changed a thing. The next morning was breakfast at our favorite corner bakery, a movie, then dinner, and froyo. We like to do holidays big, because blessings are meant to be celebrated. These are a part of his Valentine’s Day gift; letters to open during any situation. Yes, handwritten letters on stationary including envelopes you have to lick to secure because technology has ruined some of the most special things in life. Anyway, a few are: open when you need comfort, open when you need a laugh, and open when you turn 24 years old.

Love should be celebrated all the time, and I’m so thankful to have a life full to the brim of it with this sweet man. I hope you all had just as perfect a love day as we did.

Here.

I wanted to create a space where I keep things that make me happy, moments I can easily return to, outside of social media, outside of the confines of a square filtered photo, outside of 140 characters. Somewhere I can document my world the way I want to. Because life is too precious to ignore. 

I thought of making this private, just a sacred place for my eyes only, but then that would just be kind of selfish. I journal by hand anyway, so I’ll write out my best kept secrets there. This blog is a reminder of my findings of happiness. And to share them with you, whoever you are.