From two to four.

How can I ever speak of what it’s like to grow, protect, and then give life to two sweet angels at once? A feat which demands all of my heart. I have started and stopped assembling our birth story many times over the past few months. In part because it all happened so fast and I just wanted to get bits and pieces out there as soon as I was able and then go MIA for a while -- to fully focusing my entire being to these two little humans. I was actually disconnected for a long time, fully taking in the bliss of new-mom-hood and getting ALL the baby snuggles and bonding I could possibly fill up my heart with and more. And here, I probably should interject a huge thank you for all those messages, calls, texts, comments, gifts and love from everyone. It truly touched us more than you know and though I didn’t have the capacity to send thank you cards or create sufficient thank you posts as my love tank was so beyond overflowing with our own tiny minis. That was such a sacred time and Daniel and I find ourselves looking back on our videos and photos while the girls go down at night -- from the beginning when there was much less baby fat and cooing, and more so squeaking, skinny baby legs, and Zzs. 

Our girls are growing at an astounding rate – I swear time hasn’t passed faster than right now. I’m feeling very, very nostalgic lately and I realized I need to get this birth story down while things are still fresh because soon, I won’t remember every single thing and that actually makes me tearful. My knuckles are white as I hold on to every feeling and memory – replaying it all like a ritual because I’m not ready to let go. How are they almost 4 months old. How am I not pregnant anymore. How is that I am looking less and less like they were in me – I want that evidence still. I want people to know. How how how.

Time is a liar.

June 17, 2016. I planned this as my last day at work before I went on maternity leave. I was having a hard time – the last leg of a twin pregnancy is no joke, and though I didn’t have anything to base it on as it was my first pregnancy, I knew my body was screaming at every movement. There was only one position I could tolerate and it was in bed, on my left side, with my giant pregnancy pillow that became a nest around my whole body. Everything else sucked. Even that position was just okay. I was over it and ready to spend the next week or so “resting” in this position until I had to be induced. I was sure I was going to be induced. What were the stats like of a pregnant woman’s water breaking anyway? 1 in 10? Wasn’t going to be me, nope. I was feeling weird and off for a few days, but nope. Couldn’t be.

Ok so it could be. I clocked out and chatted with my boss for a few minutes, saying my goodbyes and mentioning how I felt strange – a feeling I still to this day can’t describe. I actually remember saying so throughout the whole day. Funny thing is, it's an actual symptom of labor. My intuition kicked in and I just felt weird. We joked and I said “oh, HA! Wouldn’t it be SO FUNNY if I went into labor this weekend and didn't get to rest? Ha ha!” I stopped to pee before my 35 min drive home, (and I won’t go into any more detail than that for your sake) waddled down the stairs, out the door and took 4 steps through the parking lot and ok did my water just break are you kidding me?! Get into my car, drive some, about to turn on to the highway, and it’s waterfalls. WATER BREAKS. I am driving with MANY other cars around because you know, that kind of thing happens on a highway, there are other people around and you guys my water was actually breaking. This was gonna happen. I start to panic only for a hot second and was like goddamnit Malia you have to keep your shit together. I called my husband and he ended up not answering because he was at the gym. I got a hold of my parents to give them a heads up and then called the birth center. They thought it was pretty damn amusing I was driving on the highway and said they’d be expecting me soon! Change of plans. I was not going home to rest. I was going to have these babies asap, and if I have ever planned anything perfectly in my life, this WOULD be it.

Before I knew it, I met my husband at my parents’ house (after he did call me back asking 100x if this was it and am I serious?) Yes darling, very serious. We drove to the hospital and my contractions started. Before I knew it, we were taking the elevator down to the birth center sneaking a few incredulous looks at each other and it hit me in that very moment we would never be just two ever again. That feeling was adrenaline. Soon we were in our room and I swear I will try and tell this story but everything went so fast from this point forward. At 35 weeks and 2 days, it was go time.

Here I must say my sister actually left for California that morning and we joked through text how it'd be funny if I'd go into labor that day and she'd have to come right back. Turns out that's exactly what happened. The timing of all of this was unreal. She was in California for something like 2 hours then had to get on the next flight back home. My brother rushed to our house to grab the hospital bag and a million other things on our list we didn't have. You know, because I didn't plan to literally step into my maternity leave and have my water break. I will forever be blown away about the timing. My family was in the labor room with us, switching out cool washcloths for my forehead, giving me ice chips, cracking jokes. And both of our families snoozed at the hospital until I was ready to push in the OR. We are incredibly blessed to always have so much support. 

I wanted a natural birth so bad, every article and story I read had the odds stacked against me and the percentage of C-section twins was very high. I also wanted to labor naturally as long as I possibly could because I knew they would push the Pitocin. They would push a lot of things that were not a part of my birth "plan", but we decided a long time ago to talk things over and just go with protocol because there were two babies, a higher risk, etc. If we were having one baby, we’d likely be at a birthing center outside of a hospital. We walked the room, the halls, rocked and swayed, I grabbed the hallway oh shit handle bars when contractions started to get difficult. In all honesty right now I will tell you I have a high pain tolerance. Very high. These contractions didn’t feel awesome, but they were bearable. I’m confident I would have been able to go through this labor un-medicated but the Pitocin came when I was dialted at 4cm and I was able to bear through pit contractions until 6 cm. Those were no joke…like tearing my body in half pain. Like, shaking all over from the pain. Pitocin is a monster in itself and makes labor unbearably animalistic. I was seeing stars.

That being said, I got my epidural. Again, we all agreed upon this because with twin births, anything could happen so it was safer to be already hooked up in case I needed a C-section, which would be the absolute last thing I wanted, but getting an epidural was better than the chance of being completely knocked out for the arrival of our girls. This part was the absolute worst of my birthing experience. Somewhere in all the medical terms thrown at me I was warned some people react poorly to epidurals and different things need to be done and fast. My body was tearing in half at this point so I didn’t take in any of that. Sitting hunched over through Pitocin contractions as they were getting my epidural line in hurt in ways I can’t even explain. Also stinging and electricity simultaneously going up and down my spine. The worst. It kicked in, my pain went away and my legs were numb very quickly. One second I was okay, and suddenly I wasn’t. A swarm of nurses rushed in, shoved me on my left side, threw on an oxygen mask, and all at once I thought I was going to pass out.  My blood pressure dropped so very low as well as the girls’ heartrates. Apparently this is a common occurrence but I completely freaked out and had about a hundred panic attacks. I couldn’t stop shaking even after my blood pressure stabilized. I am so very thankful for Daniel in those very scary moments because he’s always been the one who can talk me down from a panic attack. It was just his voice, my girls' heartbeats and the plastic mask on my face. That's all that mattered. When family was allowed back into the room, a good two hours had gone by when it felt like 2 minutes.

I was numb and stable and everything was pleasant in the world again. Daniel and my family took a nap for a couple hours as I was too excited to sleep, it would be just me and my loves for only a few more hours. One of my favorite things about pregnancy was how we always had each other no matter where I was. I was never alone. The nurses checked on me at around 6am or so and I was already at a 10. Everyone cleared out of the room and I started practice pushing. Apparently I was a natural, because it took no time at all to get Lyla's head right there. I think my specific words were "Oh thanks, I used to work out." Daniel was my #1 fan rooting for me and never left my side. He was just great. We discussed early on the kinds of touches and words I'd prefer when I was in pain -- grabbing and firm holding, no stroking, no repetitive words, etc. He not only remembered these things but also knew when I wanted quiet. I wanted to use the mirror because it motivated me like no other. I know some women opt out because they'd rather not see, but for me it helped tremendously. 

I'm forever grateful I did most of my pushing in the dimly lit labor room. It was peaceful, calm, warm. I was anxious about having to deliver our girls in the OR -- bright lights, sterile, cold, too medical for me. Daniel put on his scrubs, and I was wheeled to the OR. I remember there were a ton of people getting things ready. The OB on call (my OB also told me not to go into labor that weekend because she would be on vacation. Apparently my girls decided to laugh at everyone's plans and come anyway!), a nurse for me, anesthesia, and two nurses per baby. It's funny how I only remember Daniel and the OB. No one else. Since Lyla was so close, I only pushed for a short time and she was out! 5lbs 13oz 18.5in long. Instant tears and love and joy. Daniel cut her cord and she was taken to the warmer right away because all focus was on Elsie to see what she would do. And of course she was a perfect sweet baby just like her sister and was out in 6 minutes. 5lbs 3oz, 18.5in long. You know how they get you to push 3 times for 10 seconds long and then rest for the next contraction? Nope, this last leg I consistently pushed for 6 minutes no break, nothing. I'm not sure where I got my strength from -- probably because I knew how important it was to get her out quickly. As soon as she was out, she was placed right on me and oh I cried and cried because I never expected that could happen. She was so warm and I felt the chemical connection as soon as her skin touched mine. I can't even explain it. It was such a sacred moment. They allowed a short delay of her cord cutting and she was taken to her sister. They gave Elsie a little oxygen, and then both babies were able to come straight to me. No NICU and they never left my side. The most perfect little bundles. The perfect birthing experience for me. So many questions, so many fears, and everything was absolutely perfect. Our Gemini star lights were finally here.

--I found out later Daniel filmed the entire birth. I've watched it one time. It's beautiful and intense all at once. I do want to watch it again, but I have to be in the right mindset. I'm so very happy he caught everything because if he asked me beforehand I'd probably hesitate.   

I feel as though I am going through a strange paradigm, where I experience things with my girls and I miss and ache for them as they are happening. Like subconsciously, I know how fleeting this time is – the way they grab my t-shirt and hold on tight. When they nuzzle their sweet little faces in my chest. Staring at me in awe during bath time. Those ever so slight eyebrow raises when their father and I are acting silly to get them to laugh – they don’t fully know how yet, but they do a little bit and I tell you the sound is bells to my ears. The bashful smiles, all dimples and gums. Trying to eat my cheek and chin, and their little baby grunts in my ear like they’re telling me secrets. Spit up everywhere. How their eyes light up as they see new things and hear new sounds. That sweet sweet baby smell. How they immediately search for me when I step out of their sight. All of this. I miss it all already and it’s still happening. Where this blog will go from now on, I'm not sure. I want to document everything, but I'd rather spend time actually living it with my family. I suppose I'll post the occasional short and sweet update with photos, but it'll be a long while before I'll have the time for anything more than that.

xoxo 

The Twin Mom Questions

I thought I'd compose a fun little post in the day of the life of a pregnant twin mama for my 8 month post. I learned very quickly people are pretty interested in pregnant women, but FASCINATED when they find out about the twins. All filters and boundaries are gone. You become fair game to the 3rd degree. I'm the type of person who has no problem being open, to an extent, but I can see how some mothers cringe at this. And to be honest, some of the comments/questions blow my mind. Here are the most common ones I get every single day, multiple times a day, at work, grocery stores, hallways, through bathroom stalls, on the phone... Enjoy!

When are you due? // 

38 weeks is on July 7 and the last day doctors will a twin mom be pregnant. The plan is to cook these precious cupcakes as close to that date as I can.

Boy or girl? // 

Usually this is when I pipe up with two girls! And then the ooh, twins! questions and comments start rolling.

Are they identical or paternal? // 

And here is where I correct them with replying FRAternal twins.

Do twins run in your family?//

My maternal grandmother was a twin as well as my paternal grandfather.

I'm a twin! My mom's a twin! My friend just had twins! //

Yes, it is pretty common. But I had no idea how common until we became pregnant. I work for a surgeon who has twins and a sport's medicine doctor who is a twin, and our pediatrician we chose happens to be a twin herself.

How did you react when you found out? //

We saw two heartbeats before the tech said anything. I was shocked and Daniel laughed. We were just joking about it the night before our first scan and it took a bit to wrap our heads around it. Now we can't imagine it any other way.

Was it natural? //

Pretty invasive question for some, but I don't care. Indeed, very natural. So natural that we married on the last day of July, and got pregnant in October. Twins right away!

You're carry so small for twins! //

So I just found out the reason for this. Since it is my first pregnancy, my body isn't used to, well, being pregnant. It's never done this before. If it were my 2nd or 3rd pregnancy, my belly would be enormous because muscle memory stuff.

It's going to be so hard! 

Sweet, yes I know. I've had 8 months to think about that and a few more weeks to go! You can never fully prepare for any newborn, just as much as you can't fully prepare for twins. I'm deeply enjoying what I can while being mindful of how much work it's going to be. Will I freak out about it during my pregnancy? No, I won't. I choose to really feel how beautiful it is. Will I freak out afterwards? Absolutely, many times. It's all about breathing and perception and getting rest when we are able -- riding the journey as it unfolds. I think that is important with anything.

How are you feeling? 

Tired. Sometimes I feel like I look like a troll.

Have you had any symptoms? //

Of course. Nausea at the beginning, but never got sick, and exhaustion. Felt better for about oh, a few weeks in the 2nd trimester then the exhaustion hit and never left. Also, back pain, limb fatigue, shortness of breath, looking a hot mess, etc.

Crave anything weird? //

The only consistent craving has been oranges and avocados. Others include fish sticks, cheese quesadillas, fresh veggies and ranch, and oreo blizzards.

You must be miserable! //

You're making me miserable.

I couldn't even imagine! //

Then you probably shouldn't.

You're going to have a C-section right? //

People always assume. I certainly don't want one. It's a thought I've struggled with, but the girls will determine that. If I am able to avoid it and advocate my desires, then I absolutely will. But all I want is the best for them, obviously. They're both head down so we are praying they (especially Elsie) won't wiggle themselves back around.

Are you going to breastfeed? //

ABSOLUTELY. I am extremely passionate and adamant about breastfeeding and I will do everything in my power to make that happen. Everyone knows how strongly I feel about this.

But how will you breastfeed twins? // 

There are many ways. I am equipped with two very useful ways. There double the ways than with just one babe!

Were you expecting twins? //

Well, how do you expect twins?

Are you feeling them move? //

It surprises me this is a question I get quite a bit. Of course I feel them move -- all day long and it is my favorite feeling. I suppose I just assume all pregnant mothers feel their child/children move because that's a sign of a healthy, happy baby.

So you're getting it all done in one go!/Will you have any more children? //

We've been told the sooner we get pregnant again after twins, the more likely it will be to have twins...again. We will visit that possibility in due (a long) time. 

We are just so deeply excited and longing to meet the two beautiful souls we made. 

Only about 6 weeks to go. So soon, my darlings.

//

Photos by the magical Alyssa Wilcox Photography.

31 Weeks.

31. Weeks. How?

I wouldn't say this would be a milestone post, because every single day growing the loves of our lives is a milestone -- one we protect and cherish with every fiber of our being.

Any conversation someone strikes up with me takes off with a "how are you feeling?" I am tired. This is my default, and new normal. I have somewhat accepted that it is my underlying, overall, in and out and in-between feeling. On top of that layer? I'm ecstatic. I light up when I see the girls' nursery and I'm able to nest as I please. Gone is the awareness of my dismantled back (only to creep into consciousness if I do too much) and I stare at their cribs and their tiny, sweet pieces of clothing and bows and soft blankets knowing these exact pieces of fabric will have the privilege of touching my babies' skin. Skin that is ours, from us, that we made. It is achingly beautiful, I think.

Twice a week appointments are coming up starting Monday and birth plan conversations are taking place -- it's dizzying how fast everything is happening. Our girls will be here in 6-7 short weeks and it is beyond my ability to grasp. I can feel their personalities already and before I know it, they'll be in my arms where they belong. It's a feeling I cannot fathom to try and explain. Lyla is absolutely our wild one and Elsie much quieter, but strong when she moves. And I do love them in my belly, seeing them stretch and always letting mama know they're doing okay. But I will be so excited and relieved to have them earthside to take care of, so I don't have the distraction of my body in order to mother theirs. I do know I am using all of my body right now to grow them. I am giving my all and there's nothing I want more than for them to stay in as long as they need. My emotions are all over the place. So far everything has gone wonderfully and they're happy in their warm internal world -- dreaming sweet baby dreams, communicating with each other, playing. I love them so much.

My expectations of blogging throughout this pregnancy diminished oh, I'd say 3+ months ago. I thought of many great things to share, but I just can't. This is such a sacred time for us and we are burning every moment into our memories. This, as well as 105% of my energy goes to working full time, balancing appointments, and then coming home to rest and work on projects. Weekends are for catch up with what we haven't accomplished during the week. It's taxing and will only intensify. I can't dig up the energy to write anything besides letters to my girls.

So much has happened since I last wrote. We are in our first home that went through a complete DIY remodel. New floors, tile, carpet, trim, paint, furniture -- and it is beautiful. My darling husband works so exponentially hard every single day and night  and he indeed has three jobs -- his full time @ Costco corporate, remodeling our home, and taking care of us. We are the luckiest girls to have him. Our families and friends have helped out too and for that we are blown away. I just can't wait to share some photos.

Here's to the final weeks before we become a family of four.

6 months with you both.

The love we have for you, my sweet girls. My little doves tapping and kicking around all day. We have big plans for you, and you both will know love so deep, deeper than the colors of the roses in summer. I will show you all of them and watch you blink your big eyes at the colors and shapes. We will walk you down the street to the bakery on breezy spring afternoons each of you on our shoulders, your dark curls blowing across your faces. You see, it was always so fitting, and I have said that many times. It was always you two, because it was always us, your mama and daddy.

There are two of you and there are two of us. Our hands were created to hold yours.

                                                                        

Elsie you have graciously found my bladder and Lyla, you love to stick your sweet little feet under my ribs. You both know the exact moment I rest and your dance begins. I can see you now. I feel every movement, all day, and at night – it puts me to sleep. And I dream of your nursery. I see the fresh creams and whites, blush pink here and there. It will be nothing but ethereal, just like you. You see, we picked out a perfect little house for our family -- it’s absolutely darling. It is our first home and will be your first too. Soon we will all be sitting in our living room filled with light as we watch it flood over your sleeping faces. Your tiny coos heard in every corner – the song of your people. Warmth all around. In my heart. I’m aching to meet you.
You are our everything, little doves.   

5 months & halfway.

How far along: 5 months (20 weeks + 3 days). Our girls are just over halfway there!

Babies' size: They are as big as mangos this week.

Total weight gain: I hardly weighed myself before my pregnancy, and I don't now. I leave that to my OB. I listen to my body and trust it tells me what my babies and I need.

Maternity Clothes: Maternity leggings! I'm really thinking of buying a few postpartum and beyond. They're great core stabilizers and nothing digs into your middle. Form fitting maternity tops -- I don't believe in the long flowing types, they make you look bigger than you are. Lots of dresses.

Sleep: Never ever enough.

Best moment this week: There were so many! Monday night, Twin A, our active babygirl decided she wanted to play with me. I rested my hand on the same spot I feel her and search for her everyday and she lightly kicked me. I pressed down ever so gently, and she kicked me again. And I did this about five times and she responded with each nudge of my hand. We have an attentive little love!

Movement: Lots of prodding and twisting with from Twin A. Not as much with Twin B, but she will nudge me to say Hi Mama! every now and then.

Food cravings: There have been many over the months, but my most consistent are cereal and oranges.

Food aversions: Nothing specific, but too often it's the concept of food. Everything is uninteresting and it takes much coercion and idea throwing from Daniel to get me to eat something.

Sex: Fraternal twin girls!

My mama casted my belly for the halfway point. She will again at the end!

Pregnancy symptoms: Exhaustion at levels beyond measure, weepiness, allergies (so many sneezes!), back pain, lots of round ligament pain since my belly is growing so rapidly.

Bellybutton in or out: In -- I don't think it'll ever pop out.

What I miss: Sleeping on my stomach and high intensity workouts. Red wine, coffee, and medium cooked steak.

What I'm looking forward to: Staring into our babes' faces, knowing we made them -- that they are, in every entity, a product of our love, and mini versions of us! Smelling their sweet skin, their ears, under their chins and ever so slightly to the side. Rubbing my lips against their soft curls. Studying their Daddy's eyes as he looks at them, imbedding that memory in my soul. Seeing how they interact with each other earth side and daydream how what it was like when my body was their home. How I'll always be their home. Showing them the softness of the flowers -- of this life. Oh I could go on forever.

Upcoming appointments/events: Still monthly, so April. Soon enough it'll be weekly, and then twice a week.

Wedding rings: Still fit and not swollen!

Mood: Decisive, confident, sentimental. I developed this take no shit attitude when my 2nd trimester started and I love it.

Wisdom: It really does happen so fast. Sit and be present with your baby/babies! Feel their every move.


//

My Favorite Feeling.

There's quite a bit I'd love to document about this pregnancy, and many things I want to keep sacred. Just between a mama and her children -- things I can reflect upon and share with them when they're older. When their fingers are stained with blueberries, or for a soothing story when they fall and I clean the scrapes on their knees, fasten a Band-Aid and tell them to hold on tight to mama, it'll be okay, I promise. Or when they run to their room because their crushes don't like them back, and I tell them their hearts and souls are beautiful and bigger than anything and no person or thing is worth tears on their cheeks. That they are, and always will be, enough. Brave and ethereal and always enough.

I keep these sacred moments in hand written letters to them inside a stunning cosmic journal, pages thick and edged in gold. A journal so fitting because they are indeed my universe. I have been writing these since I found out. Everything from the most loving spaces of my whole heart are etched in these pages to retrieve when they will need me.

I will share, though, what I have found to be the most precious thing I've experienced thus far. My favorite feeling. I have started to feel them. Our beautiful babies move and wiggle about and I can actually feel this. It makes time stop and I go inward, searching for them, longing for them in a delicious state of mindfulness and finding my loves in their butterfly dance. The movements are quick, in what can only be their little bodies stretching and growing, reaching and feeling -- perhaps even finding one another. Some of the sweetest moments took place at our most recent ultrasound. One of the twins arched it's back, taking a moment to stretch in a way all babies do. And then seeing them together, side-by-side, in early 3D images.

The harsh terrains of 2nd trimester hormones and constant weepiness though -- crying because I'm mad, crying because I'm happy, crying just for the sake of doing so -- are all soothed when I feel them. A bit like a catching a pastel sunset from the corner of your eye during a long drive, you forget conversation, forget where you are, and just stare through the glass. I find myself asking them, sometimes, to move for me. And when they do, it's at the most perfect moments. Just as they came, so perfectly timed, to bless our lives.

Two little sweethearts!

We have been keeping the sweetest secret for over 3 months now. Daniel and I are overjoyed to announce we are expecting twins come July 2016! We are deeply, madly in love already.

It happened quickly, and was clearly meant to be. We knew we wanted a family long before we quietly said our vows on July 31, 2015. Only 3 months later and I eagerly stayed awake as my husband left for work at 5:37am, to be exact. Palms tingling with excitement, I threw over the covers and padded off to the bathroom. Knowing good and well it was a bit too soon to test, but the two lines were there and my eyes brimmed with tears. I drove to work listening to my beloved fall mix cd, hand over my flat belly in disbelief. That specific string of slow, hushed tunes will forever evoke the most magical emotions in me. Every song will remind me of these past few months.

It was a secret I kept safe all day. I tucked the test in my purse and pulled it out methodically to make sure the positive line was still there. For hours I tried to wrap my mind around the precious thought that only me and the life I was growing inside knew of each other's existence. In the whole universe it was my baby and me -- a thought so intoxicating and a feeling I will cherish always.

Oh I was so nervously excited to tell Daniel! I showed him the test that night and we just both looked at each other and smiled with tears in our eyes. We wanted to shout it from the rooftops, but kept the secret to only be revealed through knowing glances, hushed conversations at home on the couch or in the pillows, a casual stroll through the baby sections of stores or a firm hand on my belly to let the tiny life inside know we are here. We know of you and love you so deeply already.

After telling our family on Thanksgiving (tears and joy all around) we had an early first scan at 6 weeks. Staring at the screen, the lab tech was quiet as she zoomed in on the wondrous little flicker of a heartbeat. There it was! A little blinking orb of the life inside me.

And then there was another blinking orb. 

There were two little forms next to each other and two precious heartbeats. Two!!! It was the best surprise of a lifetime. People talk about these things in a "wouldn't that be cool?" fashion, or, 'how cute would that be?" but never does it happen, right? But, it did! It made us want to keep this beautiful gift only amongst our closest loved ones for longer. Of course, twins. Of course. It was them all along. Since we were just 17, our love has been bigger than anything I have ever known so of course our little blessing was doubled.

My darling husband, that wonderful man. He's been the most gracious to me and it makes me so happy to see him so excited. He's so gentle with me -- he wants to know everything and reads about our pregnancy online. While I didn't struggle too terribly with nausea during my first trimester other than a few bouts every day, and though I didn't get sick once, I did have trouble with being interested in food at all. Nothing seemed appetizing and I was never hungry. With my strange cravings, which will be a post of its own, I think, and some protein shakes, he made sure me and our babies were fed. There were times I think I physically morphed into the couch from extreme exhaustion -- immobile and warm, but restless, and he understood.

He's always been everything I ever needed and he always just, vibes with me. We are in the house buying game at the moment, and if there is one thing triggering my weepy pregnancy hormones, especially during this second trimester, it's that. But he knows how to hold me and he knows what to say so it's not so scary. I love him I love him. I love him.

I am definitely showing now at 14 weeks and 3 days. I look down with sheer wonder, mostly in disbelief, how my body is home to our children. It's providing everything our little ones need to grow. That truly is something --  my body can do this, and is so automatically embracing. It is sure and nurturing and strong. My womb is home to the divine. I am in awe of my body, of all of its changes -- every growing curve, every slight ache and twinge. Because every bit of it is my babies and I love it all. And oh, my sensitivity. I was born with a sensitive heart and it has swelled astronomically over these past weeks.

I see life through a rosy filter and I am never alone -- it is quite the overwhelming sort of consciousness and I am loving every precious moment. I am journaling, I am dreaming, I am creating -- these two sweet souls are bringing out the best in me, and it is all for them. Two separate lives who will always be together no matter what. I just want to kiss their fingers and toes, noses, smell their sweet hair and ears. Feel their warmth. I am so eager to be their life source, their sun, their loving protector.

Their mama.

2015 -- the year of all years.

Or, the year I learned all things. Or -- the year I felt everything. The year I basked in sheer bliss, lost my mind a couple times, breathed, worried, loved, and waited. Oh, I waited. In every way possible, all that could happen, happened. This year is winding down with fierce winds of wonder and adventure. I cannot count the ways we've been blessed, but I'd like to take each one keep them safe in my arms. With so many blessings you can almost feel vulnerable, but always remember to count them and count them good. They'll still be there. I am almost too eager for 2016 because things are really beginning in ways we never knew. To 2016, of that I know will be a good, good year.

to new hello's.

To say my life has changed drastically since we last spoke would be an incredible understatement. First, I am now a married woman! Daniel and I got married on July 31, 2015 and it was the dreamiest, most intimate ethereal garden wedding. I wish I could bottle up that day in an elegant perfume vial to open and breathe in its aura. I can't tell you how many times we've gazed over the photos. Our photographer was an angel.

Two days later, we whisked away on a tropical honeymoon to Oahu and Maui. To say we had the time of our entire lives would also be a great understatement. We pretended we were teenagers again who fell for one another in paradise. We ate well, drank heavily, didn't sleep, scuffed our knees, did things we weren't supposed to, ran, hiked, danced, and enjoyed ourselves and our new lives together. I will never forget those couple of weeks -- I can still smell the green.

I've missed writing and creating more than anything, but life happened in a million big ways and I will never be sorry for that. I'm sitting here in near disbelief, heart swelling, at how our future is panning out. It will be a real adventure.

So here's to more of these, I have a lot to tell you.

A (not-so) new debut.

Oh it's been a little bit. I apologize the drag of silence, but before I dive into a post about what exactly has been going on (a new job! wedding things up to our ears! honeymoon planning! relief! anxiety! okayness!), I think I will share bits about me that new (and old) readers may care to read over coffee, or a glass of noir, I will not judge, on this fine Friyay afternoon.

I have been incredibly big and I have been incredibly tiny and I am finally okay with not fearing or having to be one of those extremes. I'm building my curves, and I am working every day to own them.

Reading and writing are some things I miss the most -- concentrating long hours on creating or taking in content. I often overwhelm by how fast-paced and anti-analog this time is. I do not belong in this era.

I am a walking emotional sponge. I have been soaking in and carrying around other people's stuff my whole life. Good and bad stuff. It is a difficult trait to have because I feel what others feel and my body identifies it as foreign because it's not my stuff so it manifests as anxiety usually.

Now because of that, I burn out easily. People drain me. I'll usually have to leave the room and take breathers outside, in a bathroom, or if you have a dog you can usually find me hanging out with it, wherever that is. I can be down with dogs forever.

I am quite the catastrophizer. I sniffed a small neon green crayon up my nose when I was five and I thought I was going to die. I also kept it from mom because I didn't want to get in trouble. I later hid in the daycare's bathroom to panic and sneeze it out.

I'm the kind of girl who has an eye for a guy with strong hands, arms, a serious jawline, and is good-smelling. I get to enjoy all these things with Daniel and I am quite aware I'm with a looker. These days I think I've complimented him a dozen times on his deodorant I picked out. It smells loooovely but in a man-type of way.

I like pretending I am a wine connoisseur, though I gravitate towards about 2.5 variations. I like to feel fancy. I also like fancy cheese.

I am so looking forward to having a little family with Daniel. What better a sound than hearing little feet running around wood floors, soft skin, cherub lips, and curls, so many curls -- little we's.

I am so so shy. So shy. An extroverted introvert and I will let you mull through the shopping list of reasons why that may be difficult.

So, there you are. Hello again, and I will try to tend to this space more in the coming huge months!

Good, good karma.

Sometimes it comes around. 

Feeling nervous and giddy (but mostly nervous) this week. How I've waited.

I hope good, good karma maybe finds you, too.  

On being present.

Dream catcher c/o Wildflower Dream Catchers

How pure the tiny growing mind. How it easily latches on to what's right in front of it. Sweet, tunnel vision. No room for the torrent of thoughts that seep through any orifice: ears, neurons, pupils, mouth -- all things of the body are magnets of memory.

No. Young minds are so simple and oh how lucky are they. They know how to just be. A feat many of us grown ones are unable to do. We are so jaded. We are so fatigued.

But to try. To try and just try every day, every hour, with all you've got inside to stay right here. Away from there and then and in that painful memory or that trying time. No need to keep in such a state. Because what for? Why?

I paid massive attention to detail as a girl. I did things like count in my head, make up stories about colors in front of me, try and configure faces out of the lush, green mountains. Raced the raindrops and married salt & pepper shakers. I played dolls every waking moment of every day. I closed my eyes and breathed in my parents' scent, memorizing it, keeping it safe. I was always up there in my head but always in regards to what was in front of me.

I need more of this. And, I suspect you do, too. Be a child for a moment. Stare at colors and smell the spring air. Aren't they lovely? Take a break from the deep-up-there and find what you're missing right in front of here. Hold it with eager palms, the rope on a tire swing you have no choice but to cling to. Don't fall! Grab the present like a face and find the galaxies in its eyes. Look until you can see the stars drifting on boughs. Then simply be still.

The thing about hard things, past things, worry things, is that you don't have to hold on to them.

The worrier.

This is me. From birth even, I was the most anxious, fretful kid.

I hid things. Ruminated over them like a bad story you force yourself to read, just to finish it. To figure it out like some grand trouble there was an answer for. Thinking, then, it would wrap around tightly, consume, and last forever! Or become unbearable! Or I'd be in trouble! My stomach churned at every academic test, soccer game, dance performance, to the point where I'd gag. I don't know how or when I got over that. But maybe it just turned into another form of worry. Changed over like the seasons, transitioning from one state to the next. Hiding in the breeze and coming forth in the hot summer sun.

Ebbs and flows. Lays in the deeply strong, frighteningly accurate intuition I have (more, a post perhaps, about that later, I think).

Now though, this worrier girl, I'm unsure where she went or where she's been. I do not miss her, but I do anticipate her sometimes. Only this time, I can whisper, ah, there you are. I know you well.  I knew of you at a young, young age, and you weren't recognizable. A threat. I knew you as a teenager, in your early twenties, you were a terrible thing.

But now, as a woman, can identify you, worrier girl. I can ease you.

Nuptual musings and daydreams.

A sneak peek into my brain and what its waves are churning around as of late.

//

To veil or not to veil?

Twenty-three different categories of lists. And many a list within those lists.

Naked cakes! Bridal shower cakes! Buttercream cakes! Crepe cakes or cake-cakes?

Tweaking and fussing about our theme a hundred and one times.

Wanting to shout from the mountain peaks but keeping most things under wraps -- I choose not to make my Pinterest boards public! (Throws some kind of mood in the air.)

The gym, again and again. For those bridal arms and dress-worthy tush.

Thinking of every and all things needed to be done but wanting to watch Grey's/Friends/Dexter instead. Many times watching Grey's/Friends/Dexter instead.

Stares intently at one another. Let's just run off barefoot to the mountain's forests and get eloped amongst the sun beams and tall, tall trees. Quiet, just us, with wise mother nature. Eyes become wild with feat. Daydream some. Then continue planning our day, squeezing hands, cracking jokes, pretending we aren't subtly nervous but in an eager way. 

I am so excited.

universe threads // to feel vol. 03

I'm buzzing again.

No atom inside me can keep still. They don't want to.

I am the plants in our home, an abundance of green deep breaths and I am the crystals finding light in all the corners. Beauty there, here, and right over there.

These hands, they can do and they can make. They can embrace and pour words swirled up from the tandem dance between my heart and brain. These bits of memory flow mellifluously to you and you and you. To me. I want to grab them, knuckle white and not let a single thread go.

You see, I fantasize the cosmos letting down these long threads from where they are to where I physically am. Glowing tethers from the corners of stars. Behind them, between orbits, within. And they reach me -- little reminders of my purpose. Of what I am made of, what I can do. They flutter when I am too still. And so, here I am. Being as absolutely un-still as my body can be.

my classic line // beauty things vol. 01

It is essential for a lady in this era to have a signature style. That she can be recognized from afar, so she can feel marvelous in her own skin, that she can know herself as the graceful yet fierce woman she is. Classic, lovely,  familiar. It feels so good. She owns it.

And she also doesn't have to think too hard while painting the finishing touches on her delicate face in the morning, or for a romantic evening, or for no particular reason other than to feel wonderful.

I enjoy dappling with different eye shadows, usually in tones of rose and gold. Lately, I've worn a basic smoky eye. I prefer my lashes long and lush (forever grateful for the set I inherited from my mama -- hers are lengthy as can be) and my cheekbones rosy and glowing. I prefer a feminine, blooming shade for my lips with an occasional deep red if I'm feeling sassy. And always fill your brows making sure your hand is light as air so it isn't stamped on!

But oh, I adore my eyeliner. I'll paint on the wings, the cat eyes, the clean clean lines until I am ninety-two. I have a specific brand I use and a method, practiced and true, I perform each time. Same starting point, same angles, same flicks of the wrist -- I wouldn't refer to as anything other than perpetual. As well as the frequent comments/requests on Instagram, Facebook, and even here, I have been stopped in public, asked about what I use and how I do it, time and time again. One woman, a Nordstrom employee, bless her, had me do a quick tutorial on her as I was perusing the fragrances -- this, a love affair and the guiltiest of pleasures I'll write more on later.

So, for the quick guide! I use this brand of eyeliner, with this method. That's it! No tricks, no scotch-tape, no special erasers. I really just scoured Pinterest for a while and practiced my heart out. I do find that the surer the hand, the sharper the line. And! I almost never line the bottom lid as I find it makes eyes appear smaller.

I do love beauty and everything feminine, so perhaps I'll make this more than a once-in-a-blue-moon type of thing in this space. Yes, I think so.

25 years of you.

We celebrated your 25th birthday on Saturday, mon amour. Yes, Valentine's day too -- which I've always thought to be charming. But your birthday first. Always first.

Always first because I get love day with you every day. And I am eager to see the vastness of all the other love days. A warm day in June. A busy day where we just miss each other and there's only time for good morning-see you laters and hello-goodnights. A day so full of bits of things and dancing in the living room to sounds from the perfectly intimate speakers of our Crosley. An evening where our eyes both synch shut as our tired heads hit the pillows, reaching for a spot to touch -- an arm, a leg, on the cusp of unconsciousness, and then sleep. I get to have all these love days with you, and you with I.  Naturally, all I wanted was to love on you for your birthday.

So I hope your birthday was as sweet as mine. Though you weren't feeling well, and though we had an early night, you were joyful. And I fill with joy when you do -- sniffles and all.

I love you my 25 year old (very) soon to be husband.

Bits of wisdom.

Some things I have learned forty-four days into 2015. 

A jumble of musings, in no real (grammatical or chronological) order.

//

Without fail, I burn my lips and/or tongue on my morning coffee daily. 
Patience is no virtue of mine I suppose. 

One of the best forms of therapy is to rearrange your living space. 

Checking items off the wedding list equals sweet joy. 

Saying goodbye to a beloved succulent makes my chest ache. 

To rediscover cottage cheese and all of its curdled deliciousness. 

Write down everything. All that you think. All that you hear. 

Thinking Out Loud is the best song to hum. 

I get butterflies whenever I think of my to-read pile o' books.

  

I find a simple wardrobe with plenty of neutrals aesthetically
 pleasing and I prefer shades of cream, blush, or a light steel grey or blue.  

25!

A few snaps from my birthday weekend. Absolutely spoiled by everyone I love.

How am I 25? How can I reflect upon a year? I do know it's been a bit different than the preceding twenty-four. I also know I've learned the most about this lady I am --what I like, do not like, what I endeavor, what physically lightens my being and tilts my chin upward just so, what makes me curl into a soft, shaking ball hugging my sides to still the fear.

Tender. I've become tenderhearted and if this wave of emotions was somehow hidden, saved to be gently introduced to me in my mid twenties, I face it gracefully. I often become so joyous, I cry a little and it's okay. To me it means patience, bravery, and wisdom. Being at peace with my emotions and seeing them as familiar companions, teachers, entities I do not need to be afraid of, always will be my most colossal triumph.

And if I've softened some inside, my physical body has strengthened. I've never felt so strong and healthy before. I've never felt so graceful. I've never been so able. And this is strange and new to me -- loving curves, respecting muscle, being proud of leanness, smiling upon softness. Balance -- the most challenging and fruitful mantra. 

A year from now will be my golden birthday. What will I look like then? I will be married and 6 months in to being a wife, a person I hope I get to know who beams with loveliness in everything she does. I hope to continue my writing because it is my joy. I hope to create anything my hands are able -- photos, art books, crocheting, home decor. Perhaps we'll be talking about little ones. Perhaps we'll have our first home.

25 here we are.
Here I am.