Fitness and I.

A killer workout the other night called for an obnoxious gymrat selfie because of course it did. And that got me thinking, I used to be pretty big. No, you don't understand, like I can't even look at old photos, forever fat-girl mindset, big. Like, I dealt with a lot of shit in high school from being overweight, big. Like, Dad I love you but can you NOT tag me in that photo on Facebook because I'll just remove it, big. Like, my personality was largely shaped by my size so I was incredibly jaded and insecure, big. That last part probably upsets me the most. I lost a great deal of weight over the course of a couple years by consciously changing my lifestyle. Fast food, pop, candy, processed foods, simple carbs, all went out the door for a long long time. I'll indulge sometimes and have dark chocolate, froyo, an awesome carb-loaded pasta dish on a fancy night out these days, but I've been fast food/pop/junk free for over 2 years. That's one thing I'm rigid about; I refuse to put harmful stuff in my body. I love eating clean and experimenting with good nutrition and it's kind of a hobby now. The more superfoods, dark leafy greens, nut butters, the better!

Like many girls, I've been through gym addictions and eating anxieties but I pulled the harnesses on those REAL quick. That kind of thing isn't for my personality. As much as I love a workout so good I'm crawling out of the gym bathed in sweat, I am much happier if I'm also able to think of other things other than food and fitness. I kind of want to truly experience this short time we all have being alive and fully understand how it's all about balance. I'm pretty much there with all of that, balancing personal life and fitness life. It took some time, but I'm getting there.

I think there's not much before and after going on right now and I sometimes struggle with that. I've exhausted the transformation mindset because I've been in the healthy living game for a few years now. It's important I understand some days I'll feel leaner than others, that the body fluctuates and does much better ebbing and flowing instead of being forcibly stuck in the binds of self-scrutiny. That it's just as important to allow myself to indulge sometimes as it is for my diet to be whole and nutritious. To use exercise to care for the body and the mind and not for vanity alone. These are things I have been working on and by all means it is not easy, but it's important and that's why I do it. I want to teach my future daughter to embrace her body as a home to her beautiful soul and to see it with as much kindness, patience, and respect as she can.